At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We need a shit load of segways right now
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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