This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
