1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
