I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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