Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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