the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
