We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
