I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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