heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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