Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
