I bet he comes in French.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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