Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you traded sex for a burrito?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
