I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
