I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
