Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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