You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
