My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
