I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Someone signed my nipple.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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