Me too!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
