ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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