drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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