after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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