You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
