On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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