Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
