we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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