I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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