I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize