Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize