my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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