i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
