his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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