i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
