btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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