if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
