Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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