Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
