Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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