I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
