At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
