I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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