I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
