kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't deserve a penis
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
