Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
