Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
