I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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