you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
