I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
