3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
