I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
