I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
