I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dick very happy bro
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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