also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
