You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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