someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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