i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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