I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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